Well, that was brisk.
I hate the cold.
It must have been 80 below back there.
You want to talk cold? Try starting your car up on a winter morning in Detroit.
If your coat bunches up in the back
leaving some skin showing, you hit that vinyl seat?
Yeah, now this is more like it.
I'd say.
Did anyone see a water fountain?
Or a Pizza Hut? My blood sugar's running a little low.
We better find something soon because we've got five days till the slide.
Five days? We could die out here.
Maybe not.
Huh.
I knew you'd come through, farm boy.
So what you got on your mind, huh?
You know how to make an animal snare out of your shoelaces or something?
No. Someone's coming.
Hello. Howdy.
Do you think you could give us a ride to town?
Maybe it's a mirage.
What in the name of Samuel T. Colt are you all doing out here?
It's hot enough to burn the blueberries off a Brahma bull.
Very colorful mirage.
We got separated from our wagon train.
One of our horses got snake bit and the rest of them ran off
'cause my friend here forgot to hobble them.
Well, why didn't you say so? Go on. Get aboard before you fry your frijoles.
Two of you better get up here on top 'cause we ain't got a lot of room back there.
Hey, bro, where'd you come up with that story?
Happened to me once.
Prom night.
And better shake your bootstraps.
We're in Mr. K's territory.
Mr. K?
How're you all doing?
Just fine, ma'am.
Now that I'm graced with such a beautiful traveling companion.
Who's this Mr. K?
Oh, only the low-downdest varmint this side of the big muddy.
And ugly?
He is so ugly that when he was whelped,
the doctor horsewhipped his mama.
No, that's a fact!
Did he say "varmint"?
Him and his boys been raising hell all over these parts.
Stampeding cattle. Burning out homesteaders.
They got this whole territory spooked.
So mean he once shot a man for snoring?
Yeah, you heard of him.
They say he's got a face that'd scare the ugly off a $2 whore.
But I don't want to get close enough to him to find out.
Hooch?
So what brings you out west, Miss...
Beckett, Maggie.
Maggie.
Well, actually, we're just passing through. What about you, Mister, uh...
Call me Ben. I'm traveling on business.
It's Mr. K! It's Mr. K!
Hey, give us some cover. Give us some cover!
Colin!
We lost Colin!
Stop the stage! Stop the stage!
Oh, man! Colin!
Stop the stage! Stop the stage!
We got to go back for Colin!
Are you loco?
We left him! That's Mr. K!
Pal, you want to join him?
Throw down that strongbox!
What if you found a portal to a parallel universe?
What if you could slide into a thousand different worlds
where it's the same year and you're the same person,
but everything else is different?
And what if you can't find your way home?
I'm sorry about your friend.
Anything I can do to help, I'm staying at the Palace Hotel.
Thanks.
Well, now what?
See if we can rustle up some help.
Did he say "rustle"?
Uh-huh.
Okay, so, what's the story here?
Something has delayed this world's
technological advancement by about 150 years.
Could be one of a million things.
All these guns are making me jumpier than a long-tailed cat
in a room full of rocking chairs.
Sorry, it's catchy.
The longer we wait the slimmer the chances we have of finding Colin alive.
Doesn't anybody in this town knock anymore?
You scared the hell out of me!
Sorry. You are the sheriff?
Well, what does it say on the door you didn't knock on?
Undertaker.
Oh. Well, he's upstairs. Downstairs it says sheriff. Now, what do you want?
We were attacked.
Our friend got knocked off the stage about 10 miles outside of town.
He was shot and could be seriously hurt.
He was shot by someone by the name of a Mr. K?
Mr. K, do you say?
Well, that's what the driver said.
Well, what the hell you want me to do about it?
You're the law.
I want you to help us find him and the man who shot him.
The buzzards are probably picking at his bones by now.
You want my advice, is just do your grieving and move on.
Thank you. You've been a terrific help.
If that sheriff's too yellow to help us find Colin,
we're just gonna have to find him ourselves.
Yellow? What?
You called the sheriff yellow.
No, I did not. Did.
Hi? Hello? Could we get some customer service here?
Just hold your horses. Would you just...
Did you get it? Hold your horses?
You run the livery service?
Livery, saloon, dentist's office. I'm expanding.
Not much future in law enforcement.
That's terrific. We'd like to rent a couple of horses.
Show me the money.
Whoa, whoa!
You know, if I was looking for an outhouse, that'd do just fine.
What?
I don't know where you come from, son,
we haven't used paper money around these parts since the recession of '74.
I don't suppose you take credit?
Nope.
But I might be able to work out a trade.
See, I need a little songbird to entertain my saloon customers.
Excuse me?
You know, nothing fancy. Just perch up on the piano,
bat them beautiful eyes, and maybe, you know, flash a little ankle.
I don't think the lady is interested.
Why, that's a shame.
For a short-term contract, I could fix you up with a couple of horses,
throw in the tack and gear to boot.
Forget it.
Well, it'd be a pity if your friend was left lying out there in the desert.
We got fire ants. Did I tell you that?
Little bitty scutters, but bite?
They just...
You know, I saw a fellow once fall into a nest of them,
swole up something terrible before he died.
Heard him screaming two counties over.
Okay.
Two shows a day, three on Saturday,
room and board and you keep the tips.
Now, any private arrangements are strictly between you and the customers.
Why, Miss Beckett, you're a vision.
Yeah, I clean up pretty good. Stake a lady to a drink?
I didn't realize you were an entertainer.
Neither did I.
I won't be making a career out of it, I'll tell you that much.
Yeah, it's just as well. Saloons like this are on their way out.
Folks coming West these days are looking for a more family-oriented experience.
Something for the wife and kids to do.
Not just drinking, gambling and girlie shows.
I ain't paying you to drink my whiskey.
How about giving them pipes a workout?
I guess I'm on.
Excuse me.
I don't suppose you know any Madonna.
De Camptown races sing this song
Doo-da, doo-da
De Camptown racetrack five miles long
Oh, de doo-da day
Going to play all night
Going to play all day
Bet my money on the bob-tailed nag
Somebody bet on the gray
Came down with my hat caved in
Doo-da, doo-da
I go back home with a pocket full of tin
Oh, de doo-da day
This looks like the place.
Yeah. Colin!
It's Colin's shirt.
Maybe somebody carried him off.
And took him where?
Yeah. Well, don't look at me, Kemo Sabe.
I can't even tell you when the BART is coming without a schedule.
Damn.
I'd lie still if I were you.
Where am I?
You're on our ranch. I found you out by Jawbone Wash.
You're just a boy.
Am not.
Name's Ellie.
Ellie Starr.
Someone put a hole through you.
Rest easy, mister, or I'll put another one in you.
You one of Mr. K's boys?
No.
But I think the piece of lead in my shoulder belonged to him, though.
Ellie, you got chores.
Ma.
Now.
The slug missed the bone or you would've lost that arm.
Now, if this came from Mr. K's gun like you say, you got to be damn lucky.
He doesn't miss.
You know him?
He put one of these
in my husband's back.
Walk across the floor in those tight pants
Will you bust a seam when you do that dance, baby?
Tight pants! Making me steamy
Tight pants! I know that you want me, baby
Tight pants! I can see romance
Tight pants! I love those tight pants
Put them in the wash
Put them in the dryer
Shrinking them tighter
I can sing higher
Tight pants! Everybody sing it
ALL. Tight pants!
I know that you want me, baby
Tight pants!
Place seems a little dead.
All right, folks. I'm gonna be taking a little break.
That was fun, huh? Just remember to tip your server.
Wait. Come back!
I don't appreciate being shot at.
Didn't realize you were on the stage.
Man's got to make a living.
I thought that's what I was here for.
Easy, boys. No use in spatting.
We're all gonna make a lot of money together.
You told me the homesteader problem would be taken care of by the time I got here.
Don't worry about it.
Mr. K has been doing a fine job putting together properties for development.
Those dirt farmers are sitting on land we need.
I said don't worry about it.
Well, I am worried about it.
If we can't lock up this land, this whole deal falls apart.
Looks like the songbird got out of her cage.
Let go of...
My God.
What's the matter, missy?
Never seen a real gunfighter before?
Ever see a real toothbrush before?
There's no need to drag her into this.
What do you care? You sweet on her?
What were you doing out there?
I was... I was looking for the boss.
I'm done with my first show. I was hoping I could get out of this wardrobe
and freshen up a little, maybe, before dinner.
Baths is two bits. Four bits if you want fresh water.
I'll take it out of your pay. Now, get out of here.
Do I know you?
I don't think so. I'd remember your face.
I'm sure you would.
Oh, here now. You shouldn't be up.
I need to get into town, ma'am. My friends are probably looking for me.
Well, then, let them find you.
You're not gonna be getting far with that wound, mister.
My name's Colin Mallory.
That's a big gun.
It was my father's. He was in the army.
He fought with General Schwartzkopf at Gettysburg.
I told you not to touch that.
Can you shoot?
My Daddy said a man's got to know how to use a gun.
And look where it got him, hmm?
Mean hombres.
Yep.
Back from Wormhole Gulch. Aiming to do some drinking or some duking.
Yep.
Your chaps hurting you as much as mine are?
Yep.
You didn't find him?
Well...
We found some wagon tracks. Someone may have picked him up.
Who? We lost the trail.
Great. Well, we've got another problem. Mr. K's in town.
And it seems he's an old friend of ours.
What? Kolitar.
Kolitar, the Kromagg?
No, Kolitar, the care bear.
When we sprung him from the slide cage,
this must have been the world he bounced back to.
Talk about the good, the bad and you're really ugly.
How did he know that we were on that stagecoach?
I don't think he did. He didn't recognize me in this get-up.
But I overheard him talking to the sheriff and that Ben guy
about some scam they have to steal the land away from the homesteaders.
Maybe we got in the middle.
Some of the homesteaders might have picked up Colin.
We've got to check out all the local ranches in the area.
There's probably a list of deeds over at the land office.
We're going to have to keep these horses for a spell longer.
All right. Well, just find Colin
before I owe my soul to the company store, if you know what I mean.
Evening, little lady.
A hearty appetite is a good sign.
I know it's not my place,
but if I could say something, ma'am.
It's pretty clear the girl misses her father.
It most certainly is not your place.
I know you're trying to protect her,
but don't let her grow up ashamed of her feelings.
What would you know about our feelings?
I don't ever want Ellie to grow up
not remembering what a good, kind, loving man her father was.
But I will not raise her around men
who think that every problem can be solved with a gun.
Ma! Ma!
Your strength seems to be coming back, Mr. Mallory.
I'll run you into town in the morning.
Ma!
What is it?
Ellie! Oh, my God.
You may recall, I had a business transaction going
with your husband that was never satisfactorily concluded.
Please, just let my daughter go.
Excellent.
Now we're negotiating.
I have something you want and you have something I want.
You son of a bitch.
Hand over the deed to this little patch of dirt
and your daughter walks away from this with a minimum of emotional scarring.
All right. Just don't hurt her.
Leave the ladies alone.
You.
I know you, pilgrim.
Yes, you do.
Don't.
Go to your mother.
Move out.
This ain't over.
I ain't never seen nobody shoot like that.
Killing is nothing to be proud of.
Help me. Help me get him into the house.
Oh, my.
Sliders!
Now I know where I've seen that dance hall floozy before.
You know these people?
Oh, yes.
You say there are two more?
Yep. Black fella and a white fella. Rented them some horses.
Well, it can't be a coincidence.
They must have followed me here.
Things are just starting to come together.
We can't afford to have them meddling in our plans.
Don't worry.
I'll see that they don't.
...M-C-A
That was incredible.
I've never heard those songs before.
Well, "Y.M.C.A." is always a show-stopper.
And those dance moves you do, that's a bit spicier than I'm used to seeing.
Too much?
Oh, no.
Actually, I was wondering if you'd like to join me for dinner tonight.
Corral your ponies there, Bronco Billy.
A song and a dance is all you get for the price of admission.
What?
Oh, no, you misunderstand. I just thought we could talk.
You see, when I was watching you,
you are so self-assured, so in control.
You can keep 100 drunken cowboys nailed to their seats
with just a look in your eye and your attitude.
Stop.
It's very powerful, Maggie.
And I find powerful women very attractive.
Well, I guess a girl's got to eat.
You know, with your talent,
I bet you could help me with my new project I'm working on.
What project is that?
Ben Siegel thinks big, Maggie.
You see, I got a plan to change this little one-horse burg into a Mecca,
a crossroads.
Everyone coming West will stop right here in Las Vegas, Nevada.
Las Vegas?
Don't you even know what town you're in?
Ben Siegel? "Bugsy" Siegel?
That was my grandfather.
He didn't like that name very much, I can't say I do either.
You trying to cheat me?
What are you trying to pull?
Oh, no!
Quinn!
Nobody cheats Quinn Mallory!
The land office has claims on three more ranches south of town
that we haven't checked yet.
If we head out now, we should get there by first light.
Yeah. Somebody picked up Colin.
That's why we haven't found him yet.
And no news is good news.
Quinn! Quinn.
Tell me you just didn't shoot a man in cold blood in the saloon.
What?
That's what I thought.
You've either got a really hot-tempered double on this Earth,
or Kolitar knows you're here.
Now, why would he want to frame you for murder?
Kolitar and his gang are trying to scare off the homesteaders.
Yeah. According to the land office,
Sheriff Redfield and a Mr. K.R. O'Magg
have been snapping up all of their property.
And Bugsy's waiting in the wings to put his casinos on it.
Bugsy?
Yeah. Our friend, Ben, from the stage.
Ben Siegel III.
Doesn't that tell you something about human nature?
I mean, this whole world doesn't even have indoor plumbing yet,
but they've got the mob.
Yeah.
Well, I'm not going to sleep with the fishes
because Kolitar's afraid I'm going to mess up his little scheme.
Man shouldn't ride after dark.
It's awfully easy to make a misstep.
You know I didn't do it.
Well, I wasn't there,
but there's about 50 eyewitnesses said you did do it.
I guess I'm gonna have to take you in. And your friends, too,
for aiding and abetting.
I sure am gonna miss my little songbird.
Tweet, tweet.
We'll find her. Lock them up.
Oh, that hurts.
Now look what you've done to my good sewing.
I'm sorry.
Sorry I messed up your yard.
Where'd you learn to shoot like that?
I grew up on a farm.
Everybody had to know how to shoot.
Shoot raccoon, deer.
But I learned never to aim a gun at another person.
It was one of my father's rules.
It was one of my husband's rules, too.
After he came back from the war, he was, uh,
changed.
He put that big pistol of his in a box and never touched it.
So Mr. K shot him in the back.
Got to get into town.
Now that Kolitar... Mr. K knows I'm here, he'll go after my friends.
I've got to help them. No.
You're not going anywhere. You've lost too much blood.
He'll kill them.
Well, you can't be much help to them if you're dead.
Do they have to do that right out where we can see it?
I think that's the point.
That's cold, man. I mean, that is really cold.
Well, how we doing this morning?
Fine. You seem to be limping a bit.
Well, don't you worry about it.
Oh, and your friend's gonna be joining you real soon.
She's a feisty little thing, isn't she?
Look, isn't that a bit premature?
I mean, we haven't even seen the judge yet.
Well, ask and you shall receive.
Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye.
The circuit court of the great state of Nevada is now in session.
Do you have anything to say in your defense before I pass sentence?
I didn't do it.
So noted.
The court sentences you both to hang by the neck till you're dead.
Oh, and by the way, don't forget to try them grits this morning.
Esther Mae can work herself around a skillet.
Mmm.
You know, you're really getting on my nerves.
You ran out on me last night. I thought we had a date.
Mmm.
The man may be a low-down lying polecat,
but he wasn't lying about them grits.
Oh, Lord. Somebody stop me from talking like this.
You know, we have the advantage here.
Okay, framed for murder, iron bars, necktie party... Am I missing something here?
Think about it.
We have seen every cowboy movie ever made.
We know every trick in the book.
And on this world, movies aren't invented yet.
I'm sorry I ruined your evening.
Just a little disappointed. I thought we'd have made a good team.
So, at least you'll have the satisfaction of watching me hang.
That would be overreacting.
Are we talking about me and my friends exposing your plan
to murder, intimidate and defraud the locals out of their land?
I was talking about you standing me up last night.
Oh. So you're not going to turn me in to the sheriff?
Didn't plan on it.
Then why are you holding that gun on me?
'Cause that's my horse you're stealing.
Oh.
Here. You might need this.
Things are getting a little too crazy for me around here.
I thought you were in business with Redfield.
I was.
He promised to have the land available if I come up
with the capital to start the casinos.
I didn't know he hired gunslingers to run off the homesteaders.
See, my grandfather might have done things that way.
I don't.
Well, maybe I'll try Reno.
I need your help. My friends are gonna hang.
From what I saw, your pal, Quinn, deserves it.
All right, this is really difficult for me to explain, okay?
But I really believe he was framed.
If I could just find Colin, maybe we can find a way to bust him out.
Colin?
I heard Mr. K talking to the sheriff about someone by that name.
Says he's holed up in a ranch outside of town.
Says he's gonna take care of him right after he strings up your friends.
Did he say where?
Climb up. Let's go.
You ready?
Yeah.
Guard!
Guard! Guard!
Escaped! Quinn's escaped!
You don't expect me to fall for that, do you?
I saw this trick in The Man Who Shot Kaleeth-Tar.
Why did you frame me?
Why did you follow me here?
We didn't.
You expect me to believe that?
In an infinite number of worlds, you just happened to end up on the same one I did.
Look. We released you from the slide cage, why would we follow you?
Why do you humans do anything? Meddlesome vermin.
You can't ever leave well enough alone, can you?
You just have to impose your own sense of morality on everyone else.
Okay. Okay, let's cut a deal.
All right?
Now, we have to leave here in a couple of days.
I still have the timer. If you set us free, we'll get you off this world.
What makes you think I want to go anywhere?
You stranded me on this world. Well, I made the most of it. I'm Mr. K now.
My name inspires terror from here to Saint Louis.
You sure it's not your face?
It helps.
I'm free to go where I want, take what I want.
This world's mine for the picking.
It's a good life for a Kromagg and I don't need you around to spoil it.
Sorry it had to end this way, human.
But this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
I love saying that.
At least let me drive you.
Maggie! Colin. Thank god.
Easy. Oh, I'm sorry.
Kolitar's here.
I know. Where's Quinn and Remmy?
Kolitar wants us out of the way.
He framed Quinn for murder.
In a few hours, your friends are gonna be having a little throat trouble.
I need to borrow your gun.
It's gone.
Oh, my God.
Ellie.
Hello?
You better get yourself out of here before you get yourself in a real mess of trouble.
Are you Quinn?
Yeah. Who are you?
My name's Ellie Starr.
I'm a friend of Colin's.
He's okay?
Yeah.
He wanted me to give you this.
Get out of here!
Little girls shouldn't play with guns.
You killed my father.
Yes, I did.
You going to shoot me now?
Is that what your daddy would want?
Is that what your friend, Colin, would want?
For you to be a killer, just like me?
Come on!
Make your daddy proud.
Come with me. You wouldn't want to miss the party.
Ellie! Ellie! Ellie!
Pitiful.
Can't even turn out a decent crowd for a hanging.
Hopefully business will pick up once you put the slot machines in.
Any last words?
This sucks.
Yeah.
I never thought it'd end like this, Remmy.
Can't think of anyone else I'd rather hang with.
Same here.
May God have mercy on your souls.
Ma!
We're too late. Stop!
Give me the gun.
Shoot them down!
Does anyone have a Ricola?
You okay?
What do you think? We were just hanged.
It's good to see you, bro. You, too.
Nice shooting, farm boy. Thanks.
But I'll be happy if I never have to use one of those again.
You just can't get good help these days.
You know, you fellas are violating the lawful order of the court.
I'm just gonna have to cite you for contempt.
Oh, you don't want to do this, songbird.
You're already in enough trouble.
I'm in big trouble?
What's going to happen when the folks of this town find out
that you hired a gunfighter to run them off their land?
Oh, and by the way, you owe me for two shows and a matinee.
Sliders!
Ellie!
You people make me ornerier than a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest!
Sorry, it's catching around here.
Let her go.
I had a good thing going here.
Nice steady income,
travel.
I'm my own boss.
You had a million other worlds where you could go to.
Why couldn't you just leave this one to me?
We didn't come here on purpose.
But now that we're here, we just can't walk away. We can't just leave.
I was afraid you might feel that way.
So, I guess I'll just have to hit the trail,
find another world to put down roots on.
And since I don't need you dogging me every step of the way,
I'm going to have to ask you for your sliding device.
I'm afraid I must insist.
Ma!
Give it to him.
You got anything else under there?
Bring it here!
Now, let her go.
Why not?
You pulled a gun on me once.
No other human has done that and lived.
I'm not armed.
Well,
that doesn't usually concern me.
Okay.
Let's make this sporting.
Pick it up.
Let's see if you're more willing to use it than her father was.
Colin, no!
Pick it up.
Stand back.
I guess this'll be the last time we meet.
"Adios. " Yahoo!
Family heirloom.
It might be worth something someday.
Thank you.
Nothing like a shot of whiskey to cure a sore throat.
So how does it feel to be a free man?
Better than a poke in the eye with a hot branding iron.
I'm sure a lot more of Judge Redfield's convictions are gonna be overturned
now that the Kromagg mind manipulation defense has been upheld.
It helps to know the new judge.
Your honor.
I thought you were going to Reno.
Oh, no need. Turns out Redfield and Mr. K
went to all that trouble trying to drive off the homesteaders for nothing.
They're perfectly happy to sell out,
for a chunk of the casino and showroom profits.
Well, here's to good old American greed.
Ladies and gentlemen, direct from Saint Louis, New York...
If you gentlemen will excuse me.
...performances for the crowned heads of Europe,
please welcome the songbird of the sage,
the warbler of the west. Miss Maggie Beckett!
How hard is she going to be to live with after this?
I don't even want to think about it.
I want to see you sweat I want to see you grind
I want to make you mine
I'm losing my mind
Walk across the floor in those tight pants
Will you bust a seam when you do that dance, baby?
Tight pants!